...i woke up this morning and realized something about myself: I don't do well with change. I guess by now I should have already figured this out, given the patterns that consistently weave throughout my life!
What made me think of this today though? Well, I had been dreaming about my favorite shorts that I had when I was about 5 years old. Haha... Anyone who doesn't know me that well probably wouldn't laugh at this alone! But the thing about these shorts was that, I loved them. They weren't even that cute, to be honest! (Just plain shorts -- actually one pair in blue, and the other in burgundy -- the blue were my absolute favorites though;)...) But I truly loved them.
Not in an "i-look-cute-in-these" sort of way, but after I had first worn them a few times, they became comfortable to me. Not "comfortable" in the way they fit, but they actually comforted me. I wore them so much because I was used to them. I wore them nearly every day, to be more exact! Well, alternating colors here and there so that my mom could wash them, of course!
But I remember the day that I lost those shorts, and lost them for good. My sisters and I had been playing on our swing set in our backyard. I didn't see it coming at all. But all of the sudden, my shorts (the blue ones -- the ones I loved the very most) caught on a part of the swing set, and all you could hear was one big, loud RIP.
Oh dear;)... You would have thought that the world had just ended by the way that I was crying! Literally! And when my mom said that my beloved shorts had "seen their last day," I BEGGED her to sew the rip so that I didn't have to lose them! I was beside myself! My mom knew how much I loved those shorts, but even she knew that there was no way they could be repaired. The rip wasn't on a seam, and the rip wasn't small -- oh, and I guess I failed to mention that they were also nearly threadbare from wearing them so often.
I still remember the next few days after my shorts ripped: They were horrible. It didn't matter to me that the burgundy ones were still "alive!" Well, actually now that I think about it, the burgundy ones were threadbare too, so I think when the blue ones died, so did the burgundy ones=(. I didn't know WHAT to put on in the mornings. Nothing was right at school without my blue shorts. Nothing was right.
It's funny because over the years, I have "loved" so many different items of clothing until they have "died," almost always in similar ways as when my shorts first died (not ripping on a swing set!! Haha.. But me wearing them so often that they would become threadbare, with holes in them). Even then, I still wanted to keep them! I can think of so, so many pieces that comforted me through the years. Even today, I have a little black sundress and a little black sweater that I wear almost literally every time I go out. I just noticed, yesterday, that my dress is getting threadbare, and the sweater looks like it's been washed one too many times.
Why am I telling you all of this about me? haha... Hopefully NOT so you think I'm "crazy!" But this morning, I realized that my hanging on to a favorite piece of clothing until i absolutely couldn't wear it anymore is pretty symbolic: It's sort of like the way I live life. This is where "change" comes in. I hold onto things in life -- ways of living life even -- until they literally fall apart in my hands.
Change doesn't have to be a bad thing! In fact, after I finally got over my blue shorts, I quickly fell in love with another item of clothing that became my "favorite" thing to wear (ahem, yes mom, everyday... i know, i know!). But the thing I am realizing is that so many times in life, I cling to one thing, or one way of living my life, SO hard that it literally has to fall apart in my hands before I will let it go, and try something a new way, or take a chance on something new.
To be honest, I don't know what makes me do this; why change has always been hard for me. But what if my blue shorts had never fallen apart and ripped? What if, theoretically, I still had them today and I still wore them every day (i SAID theoretically! Obviously they would be WAY too small! Although the shorts these days ARE pretty short!)
Well, if I think about it long enough, if I still had those shorts and wore them everyday, they would actually be hindering me from living my life. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get hired anywhere wearing those shorts! And I'm pretty sure no guys would look my way (well, they might LOOK because it would look funny!)! And I also wouldn't have had all of my other "favorite" items that I had over the years growing up.
Yes, I had to trade in what was comforting and comfortable to me -- what I knew -- but I have loved many pieces of clothing over the years, and they all represent different seasons in my life. I don't know... If I could, would I choose to still have those blue shorts just so that I didn't have to experience the pain of trying something new and uncomfortable?
I wouldn't trade! And it's the same with change. Today I have to give up something I love in my life for something that is new. The thing that I "love" is actually hindering me now from moving into a different season of my life. And if I don't let go, it would be like me choosing to have my favorite blue shorts still, even if they were threadbare and ripped. I know it's going to be hard to let go. I know that it's going to be uncomfortable, especially the first few days and weeks even. But, I also know that after I let go, I will eventually become comfortable in my new way of living, and if it's anything like my clothes throughout the years, I will fall in love with THIS way (until THIS way starts getting threadbare and ripped, that is, and I have to "let go" all over again!).
I always saw change as something scary; something bad. But it's not. It's actually the one thing that will open the door for us to grow, and have new experiences; new things we fall "in love" with. I guess the cycle just keeps going on and on. I hope that when I have to let go of something because it is not working in my life anymore, that I will look back at it, appreciate it and all that it brought me through... but then quietly let it go for something new, even though it will be uncomfortable for a little bit.
And on that note, I have a pair of pink lounge pants that "died" a LONG, long time ago still sitting in my dresser drawers. I think it's time to say "goodbye" to my favorite pink lounge pants. It will be hard, but something better will come along;)...
